Joan Rivers Quotes - Page 6

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.

I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don't care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch.

I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

I can't wear yellow anymore. It's too matchy-matchy with my catheter.

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: "Run your own race, put on your blinders."

She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.

Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.

My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!

Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!

Life is very tough, you know. You sit at a dinner party and talk to the person on your right or your left, you're going to hear something terribly sad, or horrible, or awful. And you just laugh at everything. I think it was Winston Churchill who said something like, any time you get someone to laugh, you're giving them a little vacation. It's so true. You laugh for one second, you're happy. I find in negotiations, everybody's sitting around looking so serious, I say something funny and it breaks the ice. And it's like, now we can get through this.

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had any kids.

I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

Tonight I'll be interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro and Djimon Honsou - and yes, those are actors, not caterers.