Joan Rivers Quotes - Page 2

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.

With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."

you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: You're not my wife! Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: What would he tip? Another guy said: I want you to meet my family, and took me to the cemetery.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.

Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

moving on is a gift you give yourself.

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.

I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked

I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked'.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'