Rita Rudner Quotes about Funny - Page 2

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.