I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.
I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
