Fun Quotes - Page 56

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

Blogging is good for your career. A well-executed blog sets you apart as an expert in your field.

If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con' what is the opposite of 'progress'?

Unemployment is capitalism's way of getting you to plant a garden.

I’m encouraging young people to become social business entrepreneurs and contribute to the world, rather than just making money. Making money is no fun. Contributing to and changing the world is a lot more fun.

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

One of the very nicest things about life is the way we must regularly stop whatever it is we are doing and devote our attention to eating.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

The happiest time in any man's life is when he is in red-hot pursuit of a dollar with a reasonable prospect of overtaking it.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

For me, insanity is super sanity. The normal is psychotic. Normal means lack of imagination, lack of creativity.

Harry!" said Fred, elbowing Percy out of the way and bowing deeply. "Simply splendid to see you, old boy-" "Marvelous," said George, pushing Fred aside and seizing Harry's hand in turn. "Absolutely spiffing." Percy scowled. "That's enough, now," said Mrs. Weasley. "Mum!" said Fred as though he'd only just spotted her and seizing her hand too. "How really corking to see you-

Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.

All I want for my birthday is another birthday.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.

St. Francis of Assisi was hoeing his garden when someone asked what he would do if he were suddenly to learn that he would die before sunset that very day. "I would finish hoeing my garden," he replied.