Humor Quotes - Page 15

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.

A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he is talking about.

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

I see light at the end of the tunnel.

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

The world is literally about to blow up.

Modern medicine is a negation of health. It isn't organised to serve human health, but only itself, as an institution. It makes more people sick than it heals.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.

Circumstance has no value. It is how one relates to the situation that has value. All the meaning resides in the personal relationship to a phenomenon, what it means to you.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

You've got to be (an) optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

She was everything I wanted. She was beautiful and charming, with a quick sense of humor, and she supported me in everything I did.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.

All science is either physics or stamp collecting.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.