Humor Quotes - Page 16

In the end, everything is a gag.

"Do you remember back at the hotel when you promised that if we lived, you’d get dressed up in a nurse’s outfit and give me a sponge bath?" "Actually, I think you misheard," Clary said. "It was Simon who promised you the sponge bath." "As soon as I’m back on my feet, handsome," "I knew we should have left you a rat," said Jace.

People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

When men lose against me, they always have a headache ... or things of that kind. I have never beaten a completely healthy man!

I always advise people never to give advice.

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children.

I don't answer the phone. I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I think that making love is the best form of exercise.

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

Laughter is carbonated holiness.

You can only drink 30 or 40 glasses of beer a day, no matter how rich you are.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Only in America, Rabbi Golden, do these peasants, our mothers, get their hair dyed platinum at the age of sixty, and walk up and down Collins Avenue in Florida in pedalpushers and mink stoles - and with opinions on every subject under the sun. It isn't their fault they were given a gift like speech - look, if cows could talk, they would say things just as idiotic.

If you can get humor and seriousness at the same time, you've created a special little thing, and that's what I'm looking for, because if you get pompous, you lose everything.