Humor Quotes - Page 14

No means yes in grasshopper language.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

If we don't have a sense of humor, we lack a sense of perspective

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I am sure there are many things better than a good cigar, but right now, I can't think of what they might be.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

The purpose of morality is to teach you, not to suffer and die, but to enjoy yourself and live.

Detection is, or ought to be, an exact science, and should be treated in the same cold and unemotional manner. You have attempted to tinge it with romanticism, which produces much the same effect as if you worked a love-story or an elopement into the fifth proposition of Euclid.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Never moon a werewolf.

Just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception on whats important in your life.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

The only possible conclusion the social sciences can draw is: some do, some don't.

It's best if you can do things with a sense of humor and finesse.

I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but by God, they frighten me.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.