Humor Quotes - Page 18

I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise.

If all else fails immortality can always be assured by adequate error.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I knew we were in for a long season when we lined up for the national anthem on opening day and one of my players said, 'Every time I hear that song I have a bad game.'

The early bird may get the worm, but its the second mouse that gets the cheese.

I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

A race track is a place where windows clean people.

All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.

Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

All my life I've been terrible at remembering people's names. I once introduced a friend of mine as Martini. Her name was actually Olive.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Life is tough; and if you have the ability to laugh at it, you have the ability to enjoy it.

I have more ideas than I'll ever be able to write in five lifetimes.

Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain.

People often ask me, "What's the difference between couplehood and babyhood?" In a word? Moisture. Everything in my life is now more moist. Between your spittle, your diapers, your spit-up and drool, you got your baby food, your wipes, your formula, your leaky bottles, sweaty baby backs, and numerous other untraceable sources-all creating an ever-present moistness in my life, which heretofore was mainly dry.

My life needs editing.

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?