Humor Quotes - Page 17

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

We're starting to push the envelope in terms of the expectations, and you can also have your own style, personality and sense of humor, because now we're allowed to.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

The only church that illuminates is a burning church.

Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.

One of the things that binds us as a family is a shared sense of humor.

Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong-normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.

After a truly good meal, an outstanding cigar is still the most satisfying after-dinner activity that doesn't involve two human beings.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

Humor is such a strong weapon, such a strong answer. Women have to make jokes about themselves, laugh about themselves, because they have nothing to lose.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Cinema should make you forget you are sitting in a theater.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.