Humor Quotes - Page 37

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'

Two wrongs don't make a right.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.

Doctors will have more lives to answer for in the next world than even we generals.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

We are at fault for not slaying the Jews.

The only thing worth having in an earthly existence is a sense of humor.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!

We do not take humor seriously enough.

Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

In Paris, the greatest expression of personal satisfaction known to man is the smirk on the face of a male, highly pleased with himself as he leaves the boudoir of a lady.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?

Write drunk; edit sober.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.

I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.