Witty Quotes - Page 22

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

Money and women. They're two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn't do for anything else. Same with money.

I have been laid up with intentional flu.

Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

I know not whether Laws be right, Or whether Laws be wrong; All that we know who be in jail Is that the wall is strong; And that each day is like a year, A year whose days are long.

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized.

Vanity, revenge, loneliness, boredom, all apply: lust is one of the least of the reasons for promiscuity.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Woman was God's second mistake.

You're only as good as your last haircut.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.

A good church is a Bible-centered church. Nothing is as important as this--not a large congregation, a witty pastor, or tangible experiences of the Holy Spirit.

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

Middle Age is that perplexing time of life when we hear two voices calling us, one saying, 'Why not?' and the other, 'Why bother?'

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I am like a Rolls- Royce. I can run without an engine, purely on reputation

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

One must have a heart of stone to read the death of little Nell without laughing.