Witty Quotes - Page 30

My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with...she read hers out and there were no surprises...1 George Clooney...2 Brad Pitt etc...I thought 'Ive got the better deal here'...1 Your sister

I've got a little baby, I made him...He doesn't speak, he's 2...He's a slow learner, he's only got 2 words...car and map...I'm slightly worried he's trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble!

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

I definitely know that-that love is the most powerful thing of all and I remember thinking that-God, I'm about to make myself cry but, I remember thinking that when 9/11 happened because those last phone calls were about-the last thing knowingly, that I'm going to say on this earth is 'I love you.' What's more powerful than that? What's more proof than that? Beyond fear, beyond death.

The stories we love best do live in us forever.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.

If I freely may discover What should please me in my lover, I would have her fair and witty, Savouring more of court than city; A little proud, but full of pity; Light and humorous in her toying, Oft building hopes, and soon destroying, Long, but sweet in the enjoying; Neither too easy nor to hard; All extremes I would have barr'd.

My senior year of high school, I was voted Wittiest. So, several years later, I decided to try my hand at writing humor to see if I could be witty enough to make some money.

The worst guilt is to accept an undeserved guilt — and that is what you have been doing all your life.

Pornography is literature designed to be read with one hand.

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.