Witty Quotes - Page 8

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

I wasn't really naked. I simply didn't have any clothes on.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Most men will not swim before they are able to.' Is not that witty? Naturally, they won't swim! They are born for the solid earth, not for the water. And naturally they won't think. They are made for life, not for thought. Yes, and he who thinks, what's more, he who makes thought his business, he may go far in it, but he has bartered the solid earth for the water all the same, and one day he will drown.

Beauty without wit offers nothing but the enjoyment of its material charms, whilst witty ugliness captivates by the charms of the mind, and at last fulfils all the desires of the man it has captivated.

If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con' what is the opposite of 'progress'?

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

It is better to be loved rather than feared, or feared rather than loved? It might perhaps be answered that we should wish to be both: but since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.

There is nothing stronger in the world than gentleness.

Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend.

Sex and religion are closer to each other than either might prefer.

If I read as many books as most men do, I would be as dull-witted as they are.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

If a man does his best, what else is there?

In politics we presume that everyone who knows how to get votes knows how to administer a city or a state. When we are ill... we do not ask for the handsomest physician, or the most eloquent one.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.