Witty Quotes - Page 10

This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.

All science is either physics or stamp collecting.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Government exists to protect us from each other. Where government has gone beyond its limits is in deciding to protect us from ourselves.

I've never had a humble opinion. If you've got an opinion, why be humble about it?

Imagine a puddle waking up one morning and thinking, " This is an interesting world I find myself in, an interesting hole I find myself in; fits me rather neatly, doesn't it? In fact it fits me staggeringly well! It must have been made to have me in it!

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.

To obtain an assured favorable response from people, it is better to offer them something for their stomachs instead of their brains.

We fall in love because we long to escape from ourselves with someone as beautiful, intelligent, and witty as we are ugly, stupid, and dull. But what if such a perfect being should one day turn around and decide they will love us back? We can only be somewhat shocked-how can they be as wonderful as we had hoped when they have the bad taste to approve of someone like us?

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

All men are equal before fish.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

History is littered with the wars which everybody knew would never happen.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.