Witty Quotes - Page 5

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Some men change their party for the sake of their principles; others their principles for the sake of their party

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back

Wit ought to be a glorious treat like caviar; never spread it about like marmalade.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.

The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Wit is educated insolence.

A man who does not think for himself does not think at all.

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.

We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out.