Demetri Martin Quotes - Page 4

Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here."

If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.

I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.