Demetri Martin Quotes - Page 3

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton".

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ass I am.'

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.

Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?

I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.