Erma Bombeck Quotes about Funny

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

He who laughs.....lasts.

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

For the first two years of a child's life, we spend every waking hour tryibg to get the child to communicate. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how we can reverse the process.

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.

I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.

Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.