Joan Rivers Quotes - Page 7

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.

Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.

Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

Never floss with a stranger.

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.

Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride".

Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.

Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.

I am furious about everything.

The Palestinians cannot throw rockets and expect people not to defend themselves

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.'

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.

if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.