Joan Rivers Quotes - Page 8

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."

I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.

At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.

I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.

Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

I love the way my life has fallen into place.

Can we talk?

Obama came in and said he was going turn everything around, and you can't. Give the guy a break. But I question a lot of what's happening. It's certainly going to reflect in my vote, but who else is there? It's a horrible time, because people vote party lines instead of what's good for the country. I think the whole health care issue turned so ugly, because of party lines, and that's not what that's supposed to be about.

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

I have to tell you that it's not going to be easy. Take every chance and every opportunity that you can. Don't say 'I can't' or 'I shouldn't' or 'I'm too tired.'

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

I could stop and live carefully but that's ridiculous. I don't want to live carefully.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?

I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.