When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
