The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
