Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I was once arrested for resisting arrest.
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
What a nice night for an evening.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"
It's a fine night to have an evening.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
