The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
I was an only child, eventually.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."
I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
