W. C. Fields Quotes - Page 9

Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.

If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.

Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.

The best thing to break is a contract.

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.

Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.

My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.

I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents.

Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.

I can do anything I want to do!

After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

I'm searching for loopholes.

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.