W. C. Fields Quotes - Page 6

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.

I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.

All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.

Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.

Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck

I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.