W. C. Fields Quotes - Page 7

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Ain't fit for man nor beast

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.

Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.

I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.

Happiness means quiet nerves.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.