W. C. Fields Quotes about Funny

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I drink therefore I am.

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.