W. C. Fields Quotes - Page 8

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.

It is funnier to bend things than to break them.

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

I'm looking for loopholes.

It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

I like children - fried.

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!

I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

Never work with animals or children.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.