Funny Quotes - Page 180

Congress errs in too much talking, how can it be otherwise, in a body to which the people send one hundred and fifty lawyers, whose trade it is to question everything, yield nothing, and talk by the hour?

Be a friend to thyself, and others will be so too.

Somewhere around the place I've got an unfinished short story about Schrodinger's Dog; it was mostly moaning about all the attention the cat was getting.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

Yes, you can lose somebody overnight, yes, your whole life can be turned upside down. Life is short. It can come and go like a feather in the wind.

Research tells us that fourteen out of any ten individuals like chocolate.

You'll see a lot of funny stuff, you'll see a lot of daddy knows best stuff, you'll see a lot of me and my wife trying to hold the family together.

I've never said flange to a monkey!

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

It's silly talking about how many years we will have to spend in the jungles of Vietnam when we could pave the whole country and put parking stripes on it and still be home by Christmas.

I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.

He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces

Well, Clive, it's all about the two Ms - movement and positioning.

Here's how much I know about hockey. Mike Royko and I were in a tiny bar one winter night, and the radio kept reporting goals by the Blackhawks. I mentioned how frequently the team was scoring. 'You're listening to the highlights,' Royko observed.