Funny Quotes - Page 183

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

If you go to Bed Bath & Beyond without a coupon, people will wonder if you're OK.

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.

My mom always said that there would be haters. Not everyone can love ya.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

You know the trouble with real life? There's no danger music.

I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.

While I was drying off Maddie after her bath tonight, she said, 'I love you' to me for the first time. It sounded like 'All lub boo,' but I didn't care. To reciprocate, I showed her what an ex-Marine looks like when he cries.

A Chihuahua. They're good. If you lose one, just empty out your purse.

The liberated man is not the one who is freed in his ideal reality, his inner truth, or his transparency; he is the man who changes spaces, who circulates, who changes sex, clothes, and habits according to fashion, rather than morality, and who changes opinions not as his conscience dictates but in response to opinion polls.

If olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from?

Name 12 players better than me.

Sometimes what I actually love to do is go to a farm and get fresh milk or watch a pig get slaughtered.

As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes in the world. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number.

I hope I never get so old I get religious.

Ignore that nightmare in the bathroom. Just another ugly refugee from the Love Generation, some doom-struck gimp who couldn't handle the pressure. My attorney has never been able to accept the notion - often espoused by reformed drug abusers and especially popular among those on probation - that you can get a lot higher without drugs than with them. And neither have I, for that matter.

Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to be with the other tenth.

The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable that I assume it must be evil.

A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch.

Laws are not masters but servants, and he rules them who obey them.

Live your life, do your work, then take your hat.

Politics is the art of postponing decisions until they are no longer relevant.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.