Funny Quotes - Page 177

I received my undergraduate degree in engineering in 1939 and a Master of Science degree in mathematical physics in 1941 at Steven Institute of Technology.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

Richard Burton had a tremendous passion for the English language, especially the spoken and written word

Polite conversation is rarely either.

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.

The sea hates a coward.

I am who I am and I say what I think. I'm not putting a face on for the record.

I have no interest in sailing around the world. Not that there is any lack of requests for me to do so.

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"

Marriage is like wine. It is not be properly judged until the second glass.

It is difficult to be sat on all day, every day, by some other creature, without forming an opinion on them. On the other hand, it is perfectly possible to sit all day, every day, on top of another creature and not have the slightest thought about them whatsoever.

Of middle age the best that can be said is that a middle aged person has likely learned how to have a little fun in spite of his troubles.

I rant, therefore I am

Life is the movie you see through your own eyes. It makes little difference what's happening out there. It's how you take it that counts.

There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.

That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If he lived to be 40, he'd be walking around Jerusalem with a big fat beer gut and black side burns going, Damn, I'm the son of God. Give me a cheeseburger and french fries right now.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago.

A brand not responding on Twitter is like hanging up the phone on customers. With millions watching.

Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New York is the place to go.