Funny Quotes - Page 182

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.

Beer may cause you to digress - and lead a happier life.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Figures often beguile me, particularly when I have the arranging of them myself; in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would often apply with justice and force: "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."

You don't have to die in order to make a living!

I can do anything you want me to do so long as I dont have to speak

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!

A man is never so on trial as in the moment of excessive good fortune.

There is really a je ne sais quoi about turkey cooking - the air of festivity, the family squabbles, the constant basting - that does not apply to the turkey breast, which is, really, a convenience of food... A turkey without seasonal angst is like a baseball game without a national anthem, a winter without snow, a birthday party without candles.

The distinguishing mark of true adventures, is that it is often no fun at all while they are actually happening.

I made stupid decisions as a kid, or as a young adult, but I'm trying to be now, I'm trying to take this lemon and make lemonade.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

Being bored is an insult to oneself.

The bulk of mankind is as well equipped for flying as thinking.

Having a college degree gave me the opportunity to be... well-rounded. Also, the people I met at the university, most of them are still my colleagues now. People I've known for years are all in the industry together.