Funny Quotes - Page 196

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'

I have a mind like a steel trap. Stuff gets in there and WHAM! it never gets back out again.

Here is my prescription to heal all wounds. Watch the film Funny Girl at least five times, eat at least 45 chocolate bars, and hang out with all those friends you blew off to hang out with your ex. I truly believe that, through a combination of Nutella, old pals and Barbra Streisand, we can achieve happiness and, very probably, world peace.

Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim.

We grow neither better or worse as we get old, but more like ourselves.

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?

The eyes of a dog, the expression of a dog, the warmly wagging tail of a dog and the gloriously cold damp nose of a dog were in my opinion all God-given for one purpose only-to make complete fools of us human beings.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness.

Respectable people do not write music or make love as a career.

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

It's Friday and I'm ready to swing. Pick up my girls and hit the party scene.

Bores can be divided into two classes; those who have their own particular subject, and those who do not need a subject.

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

When giving directions to Joe Garagiola to his New Jersey home, which is accessible by two routes: "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four.

The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.

We knew the front door was always left open, but we broke in just to keep in practice. Doxy turned all the Washburn family photos to the wall so there wouldn't be any witnesses.

If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

The more pity, that fools may not speak wisely what wise men do foolishly.

On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.