Funny Quotes - Page 194

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.

I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas.

If you go long enough without a bath, even the fleas will let you alone.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

Not only does he have the NFC East record for touchdowns, but also the team record.

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.

You'll be richer in the end than a prince, if you're a friend.

Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?!

I’ve spent too many years explaining who and what I am repeatedly, so as of this moment I officially secede from both races. I plan to start my own separate nation. Because I am half Ojibway and half Caucasian, we will be called the Occasions. And of course, since I’m founding the new nation, I will be a Special Occasion.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

In the end, it's all about perseverance.

Fermentation may have been a better invention than fire.

When a dog barks at the moon, then it is religion; but when he barks at strangers, it is patriotism!

The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the front of an oncoming train.

Never trust anything you read in a travel article.

Until I became a parent, I thought children just naturally knew how to catch a ball, that catching was an instinctive biological reflex that all children are born with, like knowing how to operate a remote control or getting high fevers in distant airports.

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on, ... I've heard good stories about (Syracuse); this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.