Humor Quotes - Page 38

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

Many come to bring their clothes to church rather than themselves.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!

Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'

I'm sick to death of famous people standing up and using their celebrity to promote a cause. If I see a particular need, I do try to help. But there's a lot that can be achieved by putting a cheque in the right place and shutting up about it.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

The habit of being happy enables one to be freed, or largely freed, from the domination of outward conditions.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of

The law of levity is allowed to supersede the law of gravity.

I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.

Of all the noises known to man, opera is the most expensive.

I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'

The inability to forget is far more devastating than the inability to remember.

I feel bad for people who have never been addicted to anything, because they're the real losers. You want to know why? Because they don't know what it's like to really want something - and then get it again and again and again.

They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.

Democrats can't get elected unless things get worse-and things won't get worse unless they get elected.

If I became a philosopher, if I have so keenly sought this fame for which I'm still waiting, it's all been to seduce women basically.

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.