Humor Quotes - Page 40

The secret of longevity... Is to keep breathing!

Interesting - I use a Mac to help me design the next Cray.(when he was told that Apple Inc. had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help them design the next Mac )

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it's too late.

Every author really wants to have letters printed in the papers. Unable to make the grade, he drops down a rung of the ladder and writes novels.

A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail!

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

I cannot articulate enough to express my dislike to people who think that understanding spoils your experience... How would they know?

The Devil fears the word of God, He can't bite it; it breaks his teeth.

We need the children of Indonesia and the Philippines to manufacture our freedom of choice.

Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'

Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a present

The two real political parties in America are the Winners and the Losers. The people don't acknowledge this. They claim membership in two imaginary parties, the Republicans and the Democrats, instead.

White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us!

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.

If I can get you to laugh with me, you like me better, which makes you more open to my ideas. And if I can persuade you to laugh at the particular point I make, by laughing at it you acknowledge its truth.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

Humor does not include sarcasm, invalid irony, sardonicism, innuendo, or any other form of cruelty. When these things are raised to a high point they can become wit, but unlike the French and the English, we have not been much good at wit since the days of Benjamin Franklin.