Humor Quotes - Page 39

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.

She could have a Grammy I'd still treat her ass like a nominee.

The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.

Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them?

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

The Devil made me do it the first time - the second time I done it on my own

Age is of no importance unless you are a cheese.

When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.

Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away

Australia is an outdoor country. People only go inside to use the toilet. And that's only a recent development.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.

We (The British) have not journeyed across the centuries, across the oceans, across the mountains, across the prairies, because we are made of sugar candy.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.