Witty Quotes - Page 12

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

A promiscuous person is a person who is getting more sex than you are.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

When nothing is sure, everything is possible.

I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.

The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

You have to love your children unselfishly. That's hard. But it's the only way.

In most cases being a good boss means hiring talented people and then getting out of their way.

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

[Agatha Christie] is fond of quoting the witty wife who once said, 'an archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. Christie's husband, Max Mallowan, was an archaeologist.

I think about Aaron Rodgers, he's like Chris Evans before he got the HGH injection in Captain America. But before he was super smart and was still witty and stuff. That's how I see Tom Brady.

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?

A good ad should be like a good sermon: It must not only comfort the afflicted, it also must afflict the comfortable.

When I got my first TV set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships with other people.

Courage is very important. Like a muscle, it is strengthened by use.

You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, I'll buy you a new car.

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

If you like me, raise your hand. If you don't, raise your standards