Witty Quotes - Page 3

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Most women defend themselves. It is the female of the species-it is the tigress and lioness in you which tends to defend when attacked.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Mankind will never see an end of trouble until lovers of wisdom come to hold political power, or the holders of power become lovers of wisdom

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

The time to relax is when you don't have time for it.

We cannot tear out a single page of our life, but we can throw the whole book in the fire.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.