Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.
A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.
I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.
I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.
I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.
Love is, and I hope it never isn't.
My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
I like people, for a little while.
I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, "Cool, that one works".
The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
I just found out that I have more allies than America!
We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.
To me, comedy is a game.
