I would like a ship for the hips, please. Ships and hips. Hipsters to stir with their hips on the hip ships. And, of course, hips. Yeah, hip. That's me. I also like sips. I'm a slow drinker. A sipster. I'm a sipster hipster comedian. Yeah, sips. But more hips. Hip, hipster, hip star, hiptard. Definitely.
Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.
Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.
The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.
I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room... can even bring things to a climax.
Once I started to look i finally began to see.
Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it; it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer.
I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.
How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.
I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.
What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year left. Just do it." I had a full scholarship so I didn't have to pay for it. They asked, "Why don't you just get the degree so you can have it?" And I said, "You don't understand. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do and now I know. I have the answer and it's dumb to waste any more time."
A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
