My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!"
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.
A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.
A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.
When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'
The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.
I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!
I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.
A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions... and comparisons.
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.
I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying."
I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
