Demetri Martin Quotes - Page 11

I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

I've never read an article of clothing.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.

One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'

Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity; for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.