Demetri Martin Quotes - Page 6

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.

Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.

I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.

A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it.

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics" "Oh yeah, that's cool, i wanna watch the fat guy" "Come on dude, you can take that hill"

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live."

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

Most stick people are black.

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.