Demetri Martin Quotes - Page 5

When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.

Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.