Demetri Martin Quotes - Page 7

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

I think bears and worms aren't very similar... until you think of gummy.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.

Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.

Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.