Demetri Martin Quotes - Page 8

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

The earth without art is just eh.

I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'

I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.

I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."

I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen.

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.