I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.
I was skydiving horizontally.
Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
I had my coat hangers spayed.
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
The sky already fell. Now what?
I can't stop thinking like this.
I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."
Because I don't believe everything I read.
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Day One: Still tired from the move.
